Eventually
you - the child grows up and begins to carve out a life. You may have a job, fighting to make ends
meet or perhaps things are going well for you and your significant other. You
check in with your parent(s) with visits or phone calls and within those
windows, everything seems fine.
YOU: “Hey Mommy. Just calling to check in on you. How was your day?”
MOTHER: “Oh
baby, I went to town today, to get some things for the house and pick up some
medication. I saw a lady that gave me a
help out, and I also stopped in at NIS to check on things. I’m alright. Got
everything done. How are you Sunshine?
{The conversation
continues with general chit chat.}
What the child may not know about the day, are the finite details. Four buses refused to stop for her, as the
grey hair bellowed in the wind, because “Tante, you will slow us down.” Then she continues waiting until she gets a spot within the second row of the bus, as it
is the easiest to get into. While
standing in line to pay for groceries her walking stick falls and she cannot
bend down to pick it up. She is saved by the kindness of a middle-aged person
who takes pity. This senior citizen has shoulder and leg pain and it is a real
struggle to lift those heavy bags of groceries onto the bus. It was the truth,
she did go to the pharmacy to get medication, but did not end up purchasing it
because she had to make a choice between food or medicine and chose food. Typically,
the first defense is, she can ask for help.
Maybe she did once and felt embarrassed.
After been ‘in charge’ all your life, handling everything and then to
turn around and HAVE TO ASK for
assistance can be daunting.
Caring
for a parent(s) is a delicate balance. Not
everyone had a great childhood. In some
instances, when the child ‘breaks free’ they do not look back as they move away
from the verbal narcissistic, controlling, physically abusive, sexually
tormenting, and/or emotionally deprived home.
When this child did return home, hoping for the relationship they always
wanted, got burned time and time again and has given up trying. Others had wonderful childhoods. The home was
fully functional, full of love, peace, and present caregivers. Visits to the home after independence for
this child, are filled with smiles, laughter, hugs, shared stories about
growing up and plenty kisses. Based on
these variables, no one can dictate to others what they ought to do. However,
this Health Perspective is to encourage those with living parents to examine
their parents' living condition, economic wellbeing, health care and emotional/mental
soundness – as you are able. Or maybe you already are assisting, and the burn
out does not allow you to see the new needs.
Here
are five tips to consider:
1.
Assess
Invest
a full day periodically with your loved one, especially errand days, and
observe how they are moving around. Treat it as a Bonding Day. Be present and help as necessary. Be mindful, some parents may suddenly change plans,
so you won’t be able to ‘see’ them at moments of weakness, nonetheless keep
insisting. Also evaluate the cleanliness of the home. In your estimation, can the parent continue keeping
the outside and inside of the house tidy on their own – or do they now need
help. Pop up visits work best for that, otherwise the parent may overexert
themselves to clean before your arrival. Another point to consider is the
parent expressing concern about living alone.
Will an aid at night make them comfortable, can children take shifts
spending the night or can siblings rotate taking the loved one in for a year each
– as a suggestion. As Elder Abuse is a
real thing, do inquire/observe if the parent seems uncomfortable with that
family member who is currently living with them.
2.
Ask
Some
persons are 100% reliant on their pension plans. For many it is not enough to meet monthly
expenses. Write out all of the medical
expenses, groceries, utility, medication and so forth that are required a
month. Then compare that total with
their pension income. Similarly ask the person,
what can you do that would help them out a bit.
3.
Have a
family meeting with siblings
Once
it has been determined the new needs of your parent, have a meeting apart from
the parent to discuss what you have learned with siblings or family members who
can pitch in. The parent does not need
to privy to arguments or frank conversations about who can do what and for how
long. Assistance can range from scheduled visits, one person committing to
paying for medication, another utility, another food. Or perhaps everyone agrees to provide a set
amount every month, so the parent is no longer secretly stressed.
After
everything has been ironed out, have another meeting, this time with parent present
and share what everyone will be doing moving forward. Share this innovation in
a manner that will be received as, “It is being done as general love, care, concern
and a willingness to just be helpful.” Ignore their efforts to refuse
assistance as you would have already assessed and discussed the situation.
4.
Reassess Monthly
Check
in with those who made commitments and ensure that they can continue or if a reshuffling
of responsibilities is needed. This is
an important point to consider because sometimes life happens and people’s responsibilities
or obligations change. If an obligation
can not longer be met, that information must be discussed apart from the parent,
with the core group, to come up with how it can be met. If the parent is told, they may feel
obligated to ‘cover’ for the person and others may be oblivious to break down
in commitment.
These
are just suggestions, with the hopes it can begin an important conversation as
it relates to senior care. The goal is
simply to ensure that your parent is indeed ‘ok.’
Any excerpt or part of this article must be used with the permission of the author
